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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

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Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

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The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

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Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

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Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

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If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

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Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

If you are going through hell, keep going.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I regard something really interesting about your web blog so I bookmarked .

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

This post is indeed quite interesting. Keep it up! I'll try here to further the contributions Vervolg.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

First off, talking is amazingly very important. You have got noticed it frequency but still this amazing certainly is the required to keeping up with issues when you want specifically whenever it should visit a spousal relationship. With the capacity to point out to an individual's reactions not to mention interior views nearer to each and every different, whether or not upbeat, you allow for on your own to possess to fully realize your partner a great deal more and even realise your pet on the more deeply collection. Plus simply by appropriate talks, there's usually a possibility meant for concerns to generally be sorted out rapidly in contrast not likely communicating the slightest bit.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The truth is more important than the facts.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

"He wasn't listing any old elite quarterbacks, he was listing quarterbacks that weren't taken by the NFL in the first round right out of college. Steve Young first played in the USFL, and Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round, so the NFL wouldn't have kept the UFL from getting these quarterbacks, since they could afford to pay more than a sixth round pick would get. Jim Kelly went in the first round, so the UFL would not have been able to pay him more than he would've made in the NFL. That's why he wasn't mentioned."

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.