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The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

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Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.